PART ONE (by Keenan Wilde)
Orgasms really complicate life. If there were no such thing as orgasms, there probably would be no overpopulation problems anywhere in the world. Sex would be as hot a topic as doing your laundry. Pornographers (more about this topic later) would be begging for business. Internet sex chat rooms would be empty. Guys would think with their brains instead of their dicks. Infidelity (cheating on your mate) would be virtually non-existent. Men and women probably wouldn’t talk to each other all that much. Orgasms feel so good that folks just have to have them, despite all the sexual risks we will discuss another time. People, especially guys, obsess about orgasms. Sure, they obsess about their own orgasms, and they also obsess about yours. Did you have one? Was it big? How many did you have? Was it the best one you ever had?
The dictionary defines an orgasm as “the peak of sexual excitement, characterized by strong feelings of pleasure and by a series of involuntary contractions of the muscles of the genitals, usually accompanied by the ejaculation of semen by the male.” Some people prefer to use the word climax as both a noun and a verb to describe orgasms. It is also called coming, or to come, as in, “Did you come?” and “I am coming now!” It can be a noun, too, as sometimes the guy’s sperm and the gal’s vaginal secretions during orgasm are called cum. (Some folks will be offended by this word, so use it judiciously.) The term probably originated from the feeling of anticipation you get as the excitement builds up and you feel something big coming.
In one sense, coming is the payoff for all the activity of sex. It is like the climax of a play or a movie…the big moment the story builds up to. Your bodies’ cells and your minds interact and intermingle until your nervous systems convulse in a powerful, delightful explosion. When you both do it at the same time it is called mutual or simultaneous orgasms. They really are fun. They can be wonderful strictly from the perspective of how good it feels to your bodies, and, ideally, they can involve a sense of trust and closeness with your partner that is nourishing to your very soul.
Guys and gals have completely different orgasms. For guys, it is a feeling like a freight train starts rumbling somewhere inside behind their woody (is it the nerves around the prostate gland?), and the pressure builds up intensely and culminates – often within a few seconds – into a series of spasms that send the sperm and semen flowing from inside, out through his shaft in a series of spurts. If he’s lucky, the whole ball of orgasmic energy might span from his thighs up to his chest. Most likely, he is moaning or groaning. Heck, maybe his eyeballs even bug out for a few seconds. Then, just as suddenly, it subsides with a last few minor spasms. His wanger (usually) grows limp and flaccid and maybe shrinks in size – at least for a while. He might even want to roll over and fall asleep within a few minutes – this is an odd biological imperative, don’t you think?
While male orgasms are pretty terrific, they are “nothing to write home about” when compared with female orgasms. Females are capable of gangbuster orgasms that rock their whole bodies for seemingly endless moments. I therefore find it curious that males are so obsessed with sex and orgasms, while women often seem only mildly interested in the subjects. Of course, women justifiably have to be more concerned about pregnancy, STDs, what people will say, their periods, whether their hair and makeup will get messed up, and whether the guy will still respect them in the morning. I guess if it weren’t for the possibility of those gangbuster female orgasms, guys would never get any bootie.
I know, I know – I sound jaded and cynical here. People are supposed to have sex with partners they love, not with just anyone who will help them “climax” with style. Ideally, this is so, and perhaps love is the major motivator for women as a group. They are more interested in love than sex, and they appreciate sex primarily as a vehicle for sharing and expressing love. In that case, those gangbuster orgasms are just an added incentive to accommodate the male obsession with sex for its own sake.
So let’s talk a bit about female orgasms. Obviously, I never had one, and I am not consulting any research texts here. I have witnessed more than my share, though, and I like to think I contributed in a meaningful way to their occurrences. In my experience, there are three general types of female orgasms: clitoral orgasms, vaginal orgasms, and “posty O’s”. (More to come, next time!)
Picking up on our discussion of female orgasms – recall there are three basic types: clitoral, vaginal, and posty-o’s.
Clitoral orgasms result primarily from stimulation of the clitoris (duh). The clitoris, of course, is the little nubby thing that sits at the top of the yoni. Sometimes it hides away and is hard to find, but then it gets a little excited and starts to grow and harden a bit. There are lots of ways to stimulate the clitoris, and each gal has her own preferences. The key point is that clitoral orgasms are the easiest to create, especially if the gal spends some time alone with her little clit and figures out how to do it herself. A reasonable portion of foreplay should be devoted to making the clitoris happy. Guys ignore the clitoris at their own peril.
The clitoris can be stimulated with the palm or finger(s), with the lips and tongue (more on this later), by rubbing against the guy’s leg while dancing or caressing, etc., and even by the guy’s shaft during sex. As with most sexual encounters, it is advisable to start slow and increase the tempo as the excitement builds. There is no need at all to rush, and in time, the same pressure builds in the woman as it does in the man. In the beginning, in fact, a gal’s first clitoral orgasms might seem a lot like a man’s. One big bam and it’s over. In time, however, multiple orgasms start to flow. A gal can have two, three, four, and more, all piled up on each other until she loses any ability to tell where one lets off and the other one starts. They can come like waves, in sets. They cause ripples of pleasure throughout her whole body.
Vaginal orgasms are a bit more unpredictable, in my experience. Some women have them fairly easily, while others believe they do not even exist. Those that have them report they are definitely different from clitoral orgasms. Some say they are more powerful, while others say they are not as intense. They typically occur during intercourse itself, although they can occur from stimulation by the fingers during foreplay. I have seen statistics saying that 60 to 70 percent of women do not have vaginal orgasms. This surprises me. In my experience, a woman is more likely to have vaginal orgasm(s) if she had one or more clitoral orgasms to warm up. And, yes, multiple vaginal orgasms are possible and even likely.
One probable contributor to vaginal orgasms is the G Spot. As I mentioned earlier, this is a slightly raised little clump of nerve endings an inch or two into the upper part of the yoni. If it is pressed or stimulated at the right time, the G Spot definitely contributes to orgasms. Again, some people say there is no such thing, but I assure you that, for many women, the G Spot is very much alive. I’ll also say, yes, it is quite possible to have simultaneous clitoral and vaginal orgasms, especially if the gal is rubbing her clit during intercourse. What is it like? Oh, let’s just say…..INTENSE!
It is natural and common for vaginal orgasms to secrete additional fluids into the vagina. This is a good thing and can help to prolong the fun. A more rare form of secretion is a vaginal ejaculation, which shoots an intense stream of fluid from the vagina. It can appear as if the gal is urinating, except the color of the fluid is white/clear and it has a different scent. One of my first girlfriends in college had very intense vaginal orgasms with long streams of vaginal ejaculation. It was amazing! These are pretty rare, in my experience, so consider yourself lucky if you have them.
Posty O’s are the third type of female orgasm. These are less common (in the sense that fewer women have them) and less powerful than clitoral or vaginal orgasms, but they are still delightful when they do occur. At the term implies, Posty O’s occur after the partners have climaxed and they are still coupled. The guy has to remain pretty still. Waves of pleasure ripple through the gal’s body, even though nobody is moving. These can last for up to a minute or so.
My next entry will cover two important questions:
1. Can any woman have orgasms?
2. Should you fake orgasms if you are not having them?
Now that we’ve covered a brief explanation of the various types of orgasms, let’s talk about some of the anxiety around women’s orgasms. There are two general types of anxiety a women (and even her man) might have about her orgasms. First is the question, can she have physically have them at all? Some women think they can’t or never will. Second, should she act like she is having them when she really isn’t, so her partner will think he’s a good lover? This is called “faking it.”
Let’s handle the first anxiety first. All women can have orgasms! I don’t care what anybody says to disagree. I spent a great deal of time convincing some women of this. As just one example, I had a delightful girlfriend who was divorced from a jerk after six or seven years of marriage, during which she never had a single orgasm. When I met her, she seriously doubted she could. How sad. After a very determined effort over a couple of weeks, we broke through the barrier, and in a few months she was blissfully multi-orgasmic. Obviously, the first orgasm was the toughest to achieve, because she wasn’t sure what it was supposed to feel like. It is hard to “let go” when you keep wondering, “is it happening?” So, let go of any limiting thoughts you might have about being able to experience orgasms. You can and will be orgasmic.
There are a couple of things you can do to become orgasmic. The first, and most useful, is to masturbate, which means to play with yourself, to tickle your own love button while you fantasize about someone or something sexy. Masturbation is a good thing, and just about everybody does it or should do it, at least occasionally. Playing with yourself will help you learn what kind of fondling you like, and you can tell you partner about it. So, go ahead and let your imagination go. You can masturbate in bed or in the shower, or wherever you can get a little privacy. Can you overdo it? Yeah, maybe, but I doubt it. Some folks will tell you not to masturbate at all, for various reasons. You might kill your desire for a man. (I think that is nuts.) It is a sin. (Maybe so, but I find that one hard to believe.) Sex should only be between a husband and wife for procreation. (Give me a break!) You might feel embarrassed to get caught masturbating, but I bet just about everyone you know has fiddled with themselves on more than one occasion.
Along the same lines, I believe it is good for the gal stimulate her own clitoris during sex. Some guys take this as a personal affront, but I liked to encourage it. Why not, if it helps her to start cumming like crazy? The most exciting sex I ever had was with partners who would tickle their own clits during intercourse. Of course, there is the danger she will forget all about her partner and get carried away with herself. For the guy, this is a turnoff, for sure. But it rarely is a problem, and the guy should be willing to say something in a lighthearted way such as, “Hello, remember me?”
Another useful way to become orgasmic is to use a vibrator. This is a little device that buzzes like an electric massager. They are available in many shapes and sizes. In general, the ones with electric cords are more powerful than battery operated versions. I used vibrators to stimulate the clitoris during sex and help women have their first orgasms, with excellent results. There is one potential drawback, though. It is possible to become overly dependent on them. For example, during my twenties, I had a lovely girlfriend who always masturbated with an electric vibrator. She never climaxed during our sex, unless I used her vibrator in the same position she used during masturbation. Then it was fireworks! After awhile, this got pretty boring for me. I felt irrelevant to her sexual satisfaction. Keep this in mind if you play around with vibrators. Use them to help get the excitement going or to achieve your first orgasms, but also learn to excite yourself with just your fingers.
To Fake or Not to Fake?
One MAJOR reason some women have few or no orgasms is they fall into the habit of faking them. (As you can imagine, it is pretty difficult for a guy to fake an orgasm, although some try.) Why would anyone fake an orgasm, you ask? Good question. I can offer a few reasons. Maybe she is embarrassed that she is not having one. She might think there is something wrong with her. Perhaps she does not want to hurt the guy’s feelings. In some cases, she just wants to get the encounter over with, so she acts real excited so the guy will have his orgasm.
Like many guys, I get vicarious pleasure out of my partner’s orgasms. In fact, when I was younger, I was very concerned about helping my partner to orgasm before I had one. (It’s too bad all guys aren’t this considerate.) I figured it was plain bad form to climax before she did. You see movies and TV shows where the guy pesters his gal after sex, “Was it good? Was I your best ever?” Maybe a lot of guys are like this, so women feel pressured to have an orgasm or to pretend that they did.
Faking orgasms is a slippery slope, and I recommend NOT doing it. It is hard to stop faking feelings once you start. Faking it is not pleasurable, and sex becomes burdensome. After a while, a gal could lose all interest in sex. She also might conclude there is something wrong with her, because she can’t get “turned on” like other people. In fact, she never gave herself a chance to express who she is and to find out what does allow her to become sexually aroused. It is also hard on your self esteem to maintain such a deception in intimate circumstances.
It is far better to be your genuine self and let the chips fall where they may. All sexual experiences are not dynamite, not by any means – just as all meals, movies, books, conversations, dates, jobs, and school classes are not one in a million. If you are not getting turned on during sex, it is better to stop and rest and maybe talk honestly about what is happening (or not happening) for you. This can lead to real closeness between lovers. If the guy cannot handle it, you’ll be far better off without him. You and your partner can always recover from a disappointing sexual encounter. In fact, it can foster communication that leads to better sex and more intimacy.
As we leave the subject of orgasms, let’s emphasize a few key points. Don’t be surprised or upset if the guy climaxes too soon, before you even start to get excited. Take it as a compliment and be patient; he will recover soon enough. If he does it all the time, you must initiate a talk on ways to deal with it. (There are creams that reduce his sensitivity and make him “last longer.”) On the flip side, don’t worry if you don’t experience orgasms during sex, especially in the beginning. Practice on yourself and talk to your partner about what you like, and in time you will cross that threshold and never look back. A caring partner makes all the difference in helping you get there. Finally, don’t succumb to the temptation to fake orgasms. If you feel you need to fake orgasms to satisfy your partner, dump him and wait for a better partner. Be the real you.