Of course, this is the guy you dream about, the guy you often see in “girlie” movies. He’s good looking, but not vain. He’s smart, but not a geek. And he’s a funny, but not a clown. He’s athletic, but not a total jock. He has interests, but not obsessions. He is personable and approachable, and he seems generally well balanced and comfortable being himself. He is not driven by hidden demons. Some might say he is well adjusted. Do such guys exit outside movies and your fantasies? Yes, I think so, although – the human condition being what it is – they are pretty rare.
The Truly Good Guy (TGG) might not be exceptional in any single category – looks, brains, talents – but his lack of annoying traits makes him highly attractive to women. So, there is considerable competition for the TGG’s attention. If you are unwilling to compete, at least on some level, you might have trouble capturing any quality time with the TGG, who tends to partner up early and marry young. If you do decide to pursue a TGG, you have two options:
First, put yourself near him – on the school paper, student government, at the gym, church group, a volunteer effort, etc. – in activities where you can engage him in sincere interactions. Be straightforward, and focus on the issues at hand. Delicately highlight common interests, yet to be willing to engage in spirited debate about topics you have passion for. Be your own person; be your best “truly good gal” and see if something clicks. If he starts to gravitate to you and hangs with you occasionally, the trend is good. If you can keep your cool and not become overly anxious, solicitous, or demanding, he might warm up to you and decide he respects you and feels comfortable with you. You’ll be on your way to a genuine relationship with a Truly Good Guy
Second, a riskier, but still potentially effective, strategy is to play hard to get. This might be the only feasible approach if the TGG is, through no fault of his own, Mr. Popularity. If he is surrounded by attractive females, you might see no way to get into his tent, so to speak. Let’s be realistic: the odds are not good, unless fate has decreed otherwise. Nevertheless, I want to encourage you to embrace life’s challenges and pursue your desires. It is a bit silly for me to advise you on playing hard to get with the TGG, as the average woman is naturally far more cunning and adept at playing interpersonal/relationship games than I ever was. So consider these tips as simply a starting point.
You have to hook TGG’s attention, so he is forced to actually consider you as a person, a female, however briefly. Maybe you trip and fall into him at a party, you back into him in the hall, you ask to borrow his pen, anything that allows you to get close to him – ideally, some form of touching – and make eye contact. Then say something conspiratorial in a lighthearted way. Think in advance about something you might say, based on his interests, that would amuse or intrigue him. It could be something as simple as, “Pardon me, TGG.” (If he asks what TGG stands for, look him in the eyes and tell him.) Then go on about your business. Don’t hang around.
If you hooked his attention, he might well initiate the next interaction, just to see if it has the same twinkle of interest as the last one. If he does, mix it up again, just a line or two, and again turn your attention elsewhere. If you can be one female in his environment who is not pursuing him, but is attractive (not a sourpuss or cool-bitch) and fun, you might do what guys are programmed to do by their hormones and DNA – come closer for a better look.
Now, you if you truly are playing the game, it is like the old mouse-on-a-string game you play with your cat. Keep it close enough that he can almost a snatch it, but not quite. As the very old saying goes, “He chased her and chased her until she caught him.” I won’t tell you how to keep him engaged in pursuing you, except to say there has to be some intrigue, some unrevealed, undisclosed part of you. In other words, you might have to keep your true feelings/attraction/lust for him to yourself for a few weeks. Let him woo you, draw you out. He will appreciate a bit of mystery and challenge, especially if other girls are throwing themselves at him. In playing hard-to-get, avoid two common mistakes. First, don’t be snide or caustic; don’t criticize or put him down. Second, don’t be too hard to get, or the cat could lose interest in the mouse. Be appreciative, amused, engaged, but a bit aloof, even distracted.
There is a subset of Truly Good Guys that can be troublesome for you, and I believe a significant percentage of TGG’s fit this profile. In a nutshell, this is a TGG who is very selective about whom he pairs up with. He knows, without excessive pride, that he is a good catch, and he is holding out for a very special gal. He might never find her. You cannot blame him for his super high standards, but they will surely lead to a string of broken hearts. Be careful one of them is not yours. There is another very old saying, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” IMHO, this is highly debatable…I am pretty sure I don’t agree.
I hope you attract a Truly Good Guy and win his enduring love without having to resort to game playing. If so, you will be one of the lucky ones who gets to “live the dream.” In case you are not initially so lucky, we will next discuss some other key topics such as attracting guys you want, fending off guys you don’t want, and dealing with relationship issues – between and among you, your boyfriends, and your best girlfriends.
The Wild Man
There is one special personality type that deserves discussion: the Wild Man. While the five types of guys we just discussed are categorized based on how they relate to women, the Wild Man is an overarching personality type. This personality is found typically in guys in their late teens and early twenties, when their brain chemicals are swirling and fomenting madly. The Wild Man most often is a Guy’s Guy or Ladies’ Man, but he could be any of the five types. I call him Wild Man because his defining characteristic is multi-dimensional wildness. He is the young rebel who renounces the mores of society and loves taking unbridled risks – with you in his company. He’ll cut school, drink excessively and do hard drugs, rebel against authority, break the law, denounce adults, rock climb un-tethered, motocross with no helmet, and insist blithely on unprotected sex.
Your mind might tell you the Wild Man is a bad dream that will end sadly for you, but there is something incredibly attractive about him. Some girls will find him utterly irresistible. Why is this? I believe it is because the Wild Man possesses what’s known as the unconflicted mind – he holds zero doubts about his point of view. He is so confident and self-assured about his (admittedly dangerous) world view that other impressionable young folks will be pulled to him by some mysterious gravitational force.
What should you do if you feel yourself succumbing to the spell of a Wild Man? The trick is to enlist your mind in defense of your heart, which could end up broken by the Wild Man, even if unintentionally. It will be tempting, and even fun, to debate with him about the advisability of his rebelliousness and risk taking. However, don’t be surprised if he seems to win the debate with the apparent clarity of his iconoclastic perspective. Your best bet is simply to observe the Wild Man (from some emotional distance) for two or three weeks before letting him pull you into his juggernaut. When you believe you have a clear picture of him, ask yourself, “Where is this guy likely to be in 10 years? Where am I likely to be if I jump wholeheartedly on board his Midnight Express with him?” Most likely, your answer will sober you up and help you stay in control of yourself.