Now that we’ve covered a brief explanation of the various types of orgasms, let’s talk about some of the anxiety around women’s orgasms. There are two general types of anxiety a women (and even her man) might have about her orgasms. First is the question, can she have physically have them at all? Some women think they can’t or never will. Second, should she act like she is having them when she really isn’t, so her partner will think he’s a good lover? This is called “faking it.”
Let’s handle the first anxiety first. All women can have orgasms! I don’t care what anybody says to disagree. I spent a great deal of time convincing some women of this. As just one example, I had a delightful girlfriend who was divorced from a jerk after six or seven years of marriage, during which she never had a single orgasm. When I met her, she seriously doubted she could. How sad. After a very determined effort over a couple of weeks, we broke through the barrier, and in a few months she was blissfully multi-orgasmic. Obviously, the first orgasm was the toughest to achieve, because she wasn’t sure what it was supposed to feel like. It is hard to “let go” when you keep wondering, “is it happening?” So, let go of any limiting thoughts you might have about being able to experience orgasms. You can and will be orgasmic.
There are a couple of things you can do to become orgasmic. The first, and most useful, is to masturbate, which means to play with yourself, to tickle your own love button while you fantasize about someone or something sexy. Masturbation is a good thing, and just about everybody does it or should do it, at least occasionally. Playing with yourself will help you learn what kind of fondling you like, and you can tell you partner about it. So, go ahead and let your imagination go. You can masturbate in bed or in the shower, or wherever you can get a little privacy. Can you overdo it? Yeah, maybe, but I doubt it. Some folks will tell you not to masturbate at all, for various reasons. You might kill your desire for a man. (I think that is nuts.) It is a sin. (Maybe so, but I find that one hard to believe.) Sex should only be between a husband and wife for procreation. (Give me a break!) You might feel embarrassed to get caught masturbating, but I bet just about everyone you know has fiddled with themselves on more than one occasion.
Along the same lines, I believe it is good for the gal stimulate her own clitoris during sex. Some guys take this as a personal affront, but I liked to encourage it. Why not, if it helps her to start cumming like crazy? The most exciting sex I ever had was with partners who would tickle their own clits during intercourse. Of course, there is the danger she will forget all about her partner and get carried away with herself. For the guy, this is a turnoff, for sure. But it rarely is a problem, and the guy should be willing to say something in a lighthearted way such as, “Hello, remember me?”
Another useful way to become orgasmic is to use a vibrator. This is a little device that buzzes like an electric massager. They are available in many shapes and sizes. In general, the ones with electric cords are more powerful than battery operated versions. I used vibrators to stimulate the clitoris during sex and help women have their first orgasms, with excellent results. There is one potential drawback, though. It is possible to become overly dependent on them. For example, during my twenties, I had a lovely girlfriend who always masturbated with an electric vibrator. She never climaxed during our sex, unless I used her vibrator in the same position she used during masturbation. Then it was fireworks! After awhile, this got pretty boring for me. I felt irrelevant to her sexual satisfaction. Keep this in mind if you play around with vibrators. Use them to help get the excitement going or to achieve your first orgasms, but also learn to excite yourself with just your fingers.
To Fake or Not to Fake?
One MAJOR reason some women have few or no orgasms is they fall into the habit of faking them. (As you can imagine, it is pretty difficult for a guy to fake an orgasm, although some try.) Why would anyone fake an orgasm, you ask? Good question. I can offer a few reasons. Maybe she is embarrassed that she is not having one. She might think there is something wrong with her. Perhaps she does not want to hurt the guy’s feelings. In some cases, she just wants to get the encounter over with, so she acts real excited so the guy will have his orgasm.
Like many guys, I get vicarious pleasure out of my partner’s orgasms. In fact, when I was younger, I was very concerned about helping my partner to orgasm before I had one. (It’s too bad all guys aren’t this considerate.) I figured it was plain bad form to climax before she did. You see movies and TV shows where the guy pesters his gal after sex, “Was it good? Was I your best ever?” Maybe a lot of guys are like this, so women feel pressured to have an orgasm or to pretend that they did.
Faking orgasms is a slippery slope, and I recommend NOT doing it. It is hard to stop faking feelings once you start. Faking it is not pleasurable, and sex becomes burdensome. After a while, a gal could lose all interest in sex. She also might conclude there is something wrong with her, because she can’t get “turned on” like other people. In fact, she never gave herself a chance to express who she is and to find out what does allow her to become sexually aroused. It is also hard on your self esteem to maintain such a deception in intimate circumstances.
It is far better to be your genuine self and let the chips fall where they may. All sexual experiences are not dynamite, not by any means – just as all meals, movies, books, conversations, dates, jobs, and school classes are not one in a million. If you are not getting turned on during sex, it is better to stop and rest and maybe talk honestly about what is happening (or not happening) for you. This can lead to real closeness between lovers. If the guy cannot handle it, you’ll be far better off without him. You and your partner can always recover from a disappointing sexual encounter. In fact, it can foster communication that leads to better sex and more intimacy.
As we leave the subject of orgasms, let’s emphasize a few key points. Don’t be surprised or upset if the guy climaxes too soon, before you even start to get excited. Take it as a compliment and be patient; he will recover soon enough. If he does it all the time, you must initiate a talk on ways to deal with it. (There are creams that reduce his sensitivity and make him “last longer.”) On the flip side, don’t worry if you don’t experience orgasms during sex, especially in the beginning. Practice on yourself and talk to your partner about what you like, and in time you will cross that threshold and never look back. A caring partner makes all the difference in helping you get there. Finally, don’t succumb to the temptation to fake orgasms. If you feel you need to fake orgasms to satisfy your partner, dump him and wait for a better partner. Be the real you.